Saturday, March 5, 2011

Band-Aid Lady, Mrs. Scary-Sore-Face and Momma Flavor-Flav

I've been so ridiculously busy these days. With 3 parties/showers in-the-making, I have been all over town, doing all the things I have to get done. I've gone back and forth a few times to Bellis - the printing office at Bob Jones University - and have practically made friends with all the long-skirted women in there. I felt like a total 'wild person' since the few times I went in to drop off/pick up, I was rocking to Lady Gaga and wore the exact opposite of a corduroy jumper.

Earlier this week, I dedicated a whole afternoon (and night) to my errand-running and returns I had to do. It felt like I had been running around all day long, which probably made the chaos of my evening so much more entertaining at the time.

Before meeting with a client, I made my last run to Bellis, for my second attempt at printing Justin's invites the way they should be. I'm a total amateur at that kind of stuff, but I have fun doing it, even if it means getting a little "crafty" or improvising a little bit. I left happy, and headed to a client session I had scheduled. After we finished, I began my errand-running up and down Laurens & Woodruff. The "are you kidding me right now" moments hit hard once I reached my last stop...

I headed into AC Moore for some final supplies/etc. for the Anthropologie-inspired bridal shower I'm decorating for on Monday. I was digging in the clearance ribbon baskets when an elderly woman walked up to me. She got pretty close - almost hey-buddy-ol-pal close, and smiled nice and big. I smiled back while she stood there waiting for me to recognize her.. Nothin. I'm thinking, "Who are you, lady??" and she could tell I was confused. She goes, "It's me!! ...Bellis??" I still didn't even recognize her, even though I have spent so much time there in the past couple days! I felt bad, so I played along. She took a step closer to me - past the level of buddy-close, but more psycho-space-invader close - and asked if I had any extra coupons. I backed away a little bit, not to be rude, but because I wasn't exactly enjoying her strong aroma of mothballs, lily of the valley and band-aids. Unfortunately I had nothing to give her, so she scurried along and happened to continuously run into me - and wave each time - throughout my entire time in the store.

Can I just say for the record.. Tie dye clothing should be illegal. So should whistling in public.

I finally made it to the checkout line, where - of course - Bellis Bandaid Lady was checking out. I stalled a little, so I could maintain my personal space and I wouldn't have to carry on a forced conversation about coupons with her. I waited a second, and watched as a frizzy-haired woman (with sores all over her face) filed herself in line before me. Picture Mama Fratelli, the scary, bad woman/person from The Goonies. The woman turned completely around and looked directly at me (what was with people tonight!?). She said, "Whattaya do?" I just looked at her, wondering what she meant. I said, "Oh! Umm.. my job? Like what do I do for a living?" She goes, "No. What are you gonna do with all that?" and pointed to my basket of ribbon and a few other things I had. I just told her I was planning some bridal and baby showers, as well as a birthday party for my husband. Now, I chose to answer her question, because I thought it was harmless. A little checkout-line small talk never hurts, although I don't exactly prefer it. Little did I know, Mrs. Scary-Sore-Face found a new friend in me. She slurred and jumbly proceeded to tell me - in order - all of the projects she was working on, including the projects that she keeps putting off. She talked in several run-on sentences about stuff that didn't make any sense... Something about a baby blanket, something about dirty shoes and something about her hair. She mumbled on for quite a while and I just nodded, secretly praying for Bandaid to hurry the heck up and pay the cashier already.

I had almost completely tuned out Sore-Face Mumbler, when a woman - who looked exactly like Flavor-Flav - came rushing full-speed at me with her shopping cart, a wailing newborn in her arm, and literally 5 children running, screaming and tumbling behind her. It freaked me out for a second, because I seriously thought she wasn't gonna stop. She jerked to a halt while screaming in a thick, southern accent at one of her her four daughters, "ShaKIAH. ShaKIAH. SHAKIAH. Git off da flohh!!" All I kept thinking was, "Where AM I?!" In the midst of Sore Lady talking my ear off to my left and pure crying/chaos to my right, I look down to find one of the 6 children picking at the ruffles on my pink, suede flats. Are you kidding me right now??? As soon as Momma Flavor Flav saw her kid rolling around on the dusty floor and assaulting my favorite shoes, she reached down (still with the baby in her arm) and yanked the kid off the floor. I think I just stood there with my jaw dropped.

By then, the line had moved, and Sore-Face was up. Of course it wasn't a simple transaction. She had some returns - which was fine - but HER returns would not be returned without a complete explanation of why she bought each and every item, and why she was returning them. Oh good grief. The poor cashier finished her return with a good attitude. Just as Sore-Face was expected to move along and leave, she "played dumb" and said to the cashier, "Ok! I wanna re-buy all of those things now. I have coupons." Whaat? The cashier clearly knew Sore-Face from chronic visits and returns at their store. She looked right at the woman and said, "Look, Shirley. This is the last time. Can't keep buying, returning and re-buying things with your coupons. No more." Sore-Face Shirley mumbled some words and acted like we were all the crazy ones. She even looked at me and gurgled a few impossible-to-understand sentances. All I could think of, was 'Get outta here, Shirley! I'm sick of the mutiny occurring behind me, with Momma Flavor-Flav vs. her 6 little monsters!'

Finally Shirley left. I paid, and flew outta there quicker than I could think. Whatta night.


1 comment:

  1. Love reading your blog! Love the new design, loved the old too. You inspire me to do something with my boring blog, if I only had time.


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